‘I’d always disliked politics’ | An excerpt from Sonia Gandhi’s ‘Belonging: A Journey of Love’

With Rajiv gone, everything around me echoed and re-echoed my loss. While I found some solace in the tasks centred on his memory, I was confronted with my fragility whenever the need arose to make public appearances. They couldn’t be avoided: there was the work of various memorial trusts that I headed, which had to continue — international conferences and lectures.

At such functions I was required to welcome the guests with a speech. I would have to wrestle with my agitation in the preceding days and the fear that tears would overwhelm me suddenly while I was addressing the audience. That would happen also when visitors condoled with me.

I remember when His Holiness the Dalai Lama came and asked me in his usual matter-of-fact manner, “Do you feel vengeful towards those who killed Rajiv?” I replied, “No, I don’t,” and burst into sobs. That vulnerability remained with me for a long time, but slowly, slowly, the days began to feel less empty and endless. Sleep returned.